What if this is exactly what I was meant for?
What if the athletes, the world travellers, the artists, the dancers - what if their lives were NOT mine?
These incredible humans doing / being incredible things - they're just mirrors for what's possible. Showing us the capabilities of being human. Inspiration.
Their lives are not mine to live.
What if. Holding my baby, being the mother to my son - what if that was enough?
My whole life I've been looking up to other humans who I thought were inspiring, wanting a fraction of what they had. Whether they were moving their bodies in intricate ways, or putting their art out in the world, or travelling the world inside a van.
Looking to the external world to find my place. Where do I belong? What can I do that has purpose?
Since becoming a mother I feel like the answer has slowly revealed itself.
In the middle of the night soothing my son to sleep, wrapped in my arms, soft and warm. Feeling like it was only us in the world. Watching him wide-eyed with wonder as he figures things out focused, little fingers at work. Making him giggle at just about anything.
These moments play out in my mind and I soften.
This is where I feel most at home.
The most belonging I've ever felt.
What if this is what I was made for? To show him all the wonders of the world - the art, the dancing, the world through the window of a van.
What if I simply just needed to be here with him now? Present and engaged.
Finding inspiration in our day through the mundane. Re-discovering the world through him.
Here is where I feel enough.
And what if it was enough?
Can I accept that? I've struggled with motherhood way before I was a mother. My thoughts were: I can't JUST be a mom. I have to be other things, do other things. I don't want to drown in only motherhood. I want hobbies and friends and adventures. And now? I still want all those things but it isn't out of desperation anymore - the needing to DO
to not lose myself. Now I see these opportunities in front of us and I think "How much would my son love this? What kind of impact will this have on him? How do I want to show him the world?"
I want to show him beauty, adventure, curiosity, boredom, creativity, nature, love.
And then it all feels like it's enough.
And the chasing stops. The comparison stops. And I can just be. And being is the best gift I can give my son.